Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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