i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
