What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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