Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
