i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
