He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
