the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
