Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
