TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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