I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize