i think my tv is drunk
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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