Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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