I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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