they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
