history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
