so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need a beard to bite.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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