When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
