She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
