FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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