so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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