My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I wish there were birth control emojis
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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