She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize