He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize