he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
