i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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