Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
ttyl tear gas
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
