life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
