Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
