woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
