Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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