just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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