he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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