the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
