this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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