it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
