Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
