So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
