She went from zero to smokin in five shots
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize