Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
