I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
