Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
