I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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