We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize