i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
