I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
