Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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