The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
