We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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