im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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