in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
