so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
