My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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