: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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