I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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