I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
