threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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